Depressed again. I don't wanna go anywhere, do anything, or speak to anyone. I just want to drift away in my sleep and not think about anything. i.e. I am DAMN SIAN.

ROAR!!! I need to work! And work effectively!

I think my dad and his brothers should consent to using euthanasia on my grandma soon. Sometimes.. No. Most of the time, I think my grandma is better off not alive. She's better off in heaven. But then comes the question of her salvation (If you dont believe in God as in Christ, this will make no sense to you. But to my sisters, my mom and myself, it is the purpose of our being; to be saved and save others thru being living examples to those around us). According to my mom, "she cannot die yet!", just because she has not accepted Christ and gained salvation.

Then I wonder, if we know she has be 'saved' and we (I think it is unanimous) think she is better off not alive, what in the world are we, the Christians closest to her, doing about it now? 'NOTHING' is the resounding answer.

Religion and salvation aside, what the hell are my uncles and dad thinking about when they know there is a problem with their mother, yet they choose to NOT do anything about it. Are their conscience (if any) pricking them at all, especially when my grandma call them up ever so frequently to request for them to fetch her over to their homes to stay? I'd love to film a typical day at my place with my grandma around. She eats regularly at 8am, noon, 4pm & finally at 8pm. She speaks to no one all this while coz everyone is out working their asses off for their hard earned money. When everyone comes back after a hard day's work, she gets screamed at by my mom, and worst of all by my uncontrollably LOUD and amazingly LOW EQ father.

I wont be typing all these if I hadnt seen my grandma cry out loud uncontrollably as we were all watching tv. She must have been thinking about what she said (as she was crying) all this while when she was alone at home. Bottomline is, I think she is depressed, possibly with little or no chance of getting better given the kind of sons she has bred.

As her grandchild, I can do better. I wonder why I am complaining here instead of sitting beside her listening to her side of the story. Pride? Fear of showing my emotions e.g. crying with her? IT IS NOT ME to do something like that. I cry the least in this family (besides my father who probably has no tear duct to begin with), mostly coz I choose to be that way. I dont like it that I know what should be done or what I should do, as a grandchild or simply as a decent person, BUT am not doing it. Somrthing is wrong with me. What is it?

To anyone who is reading this, dont be a parent unless you can take care of yourself, your basic needs and especially your emotions. I'd hate to see my children treat my parents in the way my parents are treating my grandma.

Got this from an ex sch mate's blog. I think she is in the PR line. This is still true for majority of the corporate world.
You are a Prostitute, so WAS I!


1. You work weird hours (long, long nights, weekends, public holidays)...

Just like prostitutes.

2. They pay you to make the client happy...

Just like a prostitute.

3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every penny...

Just like a prostitute.

4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams...

Just like a prostitute.

5. Your friendships fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in the same profession as you...

Just like a prostitute.

6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be perfectly groomed...

Just like a prostitute.

7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back from hell...

Just like a prostitute.

8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things from you...

Just like a prostitute.

9. When people ask you about your job, you have difficulties explaining it...

Just like a prostitute.

10. Everyday when you wake up, you say: "I'm not going to spend the rest of my life doing this."

Just like a prostitute.

How do you Love an Ugly Person?

My grandma is suffering from dementia which makes her highly annoying at times, esp when it comes to money matters. First she implicitly accused my mom of stealing her money which went missing every other day. When she went back to visit her sister in CHina, my poor grandaunt, a simple down-to-earth lady, was also accused of stealing my old grandma's money. It turned out that she had a bad habit of stuffing her money everywhere, including her chicken of essence box, without remembering where and how much she has left at each location. Every sane person in the family knows she has this bad habit except the culprit herself. So effectively, she is accusing and bitching about everyone else in the family but no one is really paying attention to her at all. Could you blame us for not being more sensitive and kinder towards her? It's zhi pian, zhi dao, zhi yian, hao ma?! It is no wonder that even my mild tempered Godly mommy Cham couldnt help but raise her voice at her.

It is even harder for me (or maybe the rest of the family) when all she talks about everyday is how bad this uncle or aunty is, how stingy that person is, how ugly my sis' ex bf is etc. It is nothing but negative comments from her about other pple that I happen to quite like. Now that I am at home 24/7, I get the full blast of her bitching every hour everyday! I almost lost it when I was cooking dinner the other day, and this old shrunken grandmother of mine couldnt stop telling me how inadequate my cooking skills were. I, me, Cham Hui was cooking, not for the first time, not just for myself, but for my family for the nth time already! I admit I am not the best cook around but she made me feel like a toddler all over again. Not protected, but restricted. If Freddy wasnt around I would have screamed in her face so loudly that she'd be indefintely deaf from that point on.

So, how do you love an ugly person? How do you love a closed one who has an ugly and unlovable character?

Who Cares?

http://www.beliefnet.com/nllp/Inspiration.aspx?WT.mc_id=Inspiration03&date=04-01-2007

June, u have to read this!

Officially BROKE but Richer

Credit Card Outstanding Bills: $936
Due Date: 7th April
Status: BROKE

Not forgetting that I will be not be receiving any income for the next few months. I am really gonna jia loh dee and drink water for every meal.

It's a viscious cycle isnt it. You work so hard, u play as hard. For me, I just drink and drink like a cow. And I do all that just to destress from work, the frustrations. To momentarily escape the helplessness, lack of direction etc. I end up working to pay for the vice that was effectively brought about by the work in the first place ... That's life for so many people. How meaningful is that?

I should kick the habit of drinking now that I think I found a better form of relief. It's free, portable, highly accessible at anytime of the day, and it's as alive as you want it to be. It's the bible I'm talking about here. I never saw it as the LIVING word of God. The bible to me was always the storybook about a particular person who walked the earth some donkey years ago. It never occured to me as a form of communication with God. Well, I never had such inclination to wanna communicate with him to start with. That in turn, was coz I never saw Christianity as a relationship with God but as a religion full of dos and don'ts.

I think I've grown quite abit since I joined the workforce. Mentally, and more so, spiritually. I hope every young adult would go through the same period of doubt, helplessness and unfulfilment. Then will they question their purpose of existence and go in search of the answers behind their questions. I believe men in this age will have to fall hard in order to find meaning in their lives. But it surely is a better alternative if they could find God without the falling hard part. Whatever it is, I hope at least the people around me, my friends and family, will all find peace and joy in their walk with God. I pray that I will never stop walking with the Lord, and that my faith will get ever stronger with each step that I take.